Type: Posts; User: Beck

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  1. #719

    Thread: Current Staff

    by Beck

    Sticky: nice

    Quote Originally Posted by Ampharos (#716)

    ladd is a moderator

    vanity. is a flake moderator

    panini is a discord moderator

    @lute edit this to look professional i'm lazy

    My family poops big. Maybe it's genetic, maybe it's our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won't flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you.

    Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out "hey, can you get me the poop knife"?

    I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife.

    Fast forward to 22. It's been a day or two between poops and I'm over at my friend's house. My friend was the local dealer and always had 'guests' over, because you can't buy weed without sitting on your $%#! and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it's a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife.

    "My what?"

    Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please.

    "Wtf is a poop knife?"

    Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it.

    He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my $%#!ed up family with their $%#!ed up bowels. FML.

    I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Thankfully she didn't cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes.

    She will be getting her own utility knife now.

    [Edit: Common question - Why was this not in the bathroom instead of the laundry room? Answer. We only had one poop knife, and the laundry room was central to all three bathrooms. I have no idea why we didn't have three poop knives. All I know is that we didn't. We had the one. Possibly because my father was notoriously cheap about the weirdest things. So yes, we shared our poop knife.]
  2. #272

    Thread: Current Staff

    by Beck

    Sticky: hyped to be...

    Quote Originally Posted by Apoc (#271)
    Hype for Beck return

    hyped to be back

    let's style on some setups my man
  3. #51

    Thread: Current Staff

    by Beck

    Sticky: It's reassuring to know you're only taking a step...

    It's reassuring to know you're only taking a step back, and not a step away. Thank you for all you have done, ATP, every word of every long post you've made. You are a cornerstone of Mafia Universe and are a key factor in this community's development -- you are part of the reason why Mafia Universe is so great.

    It's also exciting to have lute where she now is. Similarly she exemplifies a lot of what we want Mafia Universe to be -- inclusive, kind, autocratic, and straight up fun.

    Good vibes all around, we've got a really awesome team.
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