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lovely $%#! mofos round here lemme tell ya

HAIL SATANAS

This is all so blegh. I'm supposed to be all "weh I'm Mac shid and fart" and whatever but I am just like a cookie that's been stomped on and now I'm just crumbs all integrated with the disgusting rug of life.

That said, weather is nice.

I have no energy. No will to do anything. I want to, but I can’t even focus. I can usually pull myself out of these mindsets pretty easily. I’ve often considered it one of my main skills, but this time there is a pull, an unwillingness to do so. I think it’s the lack of wins. I can find reserve and reserve of energy, of willingness to get back up and keep moving forward but it has been so long between victories there is more comfort in shying away from it now. I am content to lay, to sleep, to do nothing.

It has been a hard year. I lost my brother who I hadn’t seen in many years. The last time we were in the same room together we fought. I had helped him at least one time since then. He had a hard life. I wish I was able to see him one last time but that’s not going to happen. My cat died. I wasn’t here. I was on an island chaperoning my kid on a school camp. She has type 1 diabetes. It’s a challenge. She’s not really a she actually, she’s a they. Identifies as non binary. I think I do too but I don’t really have the confidence to own who I really am. Which has got me thinking that maybe I am not who I think I am, or more to say that maybe I am, but I am someone else too. I think I have DID. I think I always had DID. I think I had no choice really. I had to reinvent myself so many times that I created snapshots in time of “old Joe’s” and people who knew me back then still know me like that. I can put back on those personalities like suits. The problem is that now they are all here in my head trying to help me. They’re all sorry for me and they are talking to me.

Growing up I didn’t get life at all. I tried to fit in but I had no idea what I was doing. My father was no support and my mother wasn’t there. I was pretty much left on my own most of the time to try to figure things out from a very young age. My grandparents were around, but they were old. They gave me love, unconditionally, but not much by way of guidance. There’s no words of wisdom I can think of that come from my childhood. No words to live by. Just the processes I invented. Really just coping mechanisms and survival mechanisms. I had rage issues. I did some seriously cooked things. Most of them nobody ever found out about. Because nobody was really paying attention to me. I was suicidal from a pretty young age, but I never really had the courage to act on it. Because I love life so much. I love the joy it can bring too much to give up on ever finding it, even in the darkest moments.

I was smart as a kid. Grades were good. But motivation fell off a cliff when I got to about year 7. The other kids always teased me, but around that age the teasing became relentless bullying. Planned bullying. I knew what they were doing. They knew I knew. It wasn’t one kid, it wasn’t even a group, it was basically the entire school. All I craved was acceptance, guidance, friendship. Something to say “this is me, this is who I am”, but everyone rejected me. My dad was abusive. Not really physically violent much (towards me anyway) but he screamed and intimidated and threatened me constantly. One day I was faking being sick cuz I didn’t want to go to school to face the bullying and the $%#!wit pointed a speargun at me. A fishing speargun. Threatened me with a speargun haha. So I took the opportunity to bail. I was 14. I went to live with my mother and her partner (and like six kids of varying ages). That was worse. That house was full of alcohol, drugs and violence. Oh well I guess this is me then. I started drinking at that point. Started smoking weed. All that slippery slope nonsense. I could go on about the year I spent there but I won’t. I bailed. I crashed at a friends house. School was an afterthought. At this point I just wanted peace. I just wanted somewhere I could sleep comfortably and play video games. I just didn’t want to do anything. Kinda how I feel now.

Eventually my friends mum organised the youth refuge to take me. So I moved in there. Was like 15 at the time. More exposure to drugs and alcohol. But I was broken now, so I wasn’t really trying to fit in, which ironically helped me fit in. The change in lifestyle had also seen me drop weight. So I didn’t have the being fat thing going on anymore either so the kids at the new school didn’t really pick on me as much. Chance to reinvent myself. No stability, no parents, no control.

Anyway, I got big into partying. Drugs. School who cares. Childhood was pretty much cactus. So much police involvement. So many high stress events. Not knowing where your next meal come from. $%#!ing hell lol.

Anyway it’s nice to write it down. I got more to write but I have to do a thing. Will probs write more here. I guess one thing I’m not afraid of is sharing. So I hope you don’t mind cuz that’s what I’m doing. It helps me.