vanity’s walrus or something
hello yall. i’m a nobody and i wanna host a walrus. so that’s what i’m doin.
please only submit via the mafia universe forum. please don’t submit via discord, i don’t want someone to screw up the formatting on discord. also, please don’t put the links in a video tag. please send the links in either a url tag, or no tag at all. url tag would be slightly more convenient for me.
i will be grading these anonymously. as such, don’t include artists or track names in your submission.
songs will be ranked from 0-10, and i’m giving myself leeway and allowing myself any decimal value rounded to the tenth, so 1 decimal place.
0: can’t stand. can’t see the appeal at all. would never listen to again. no redeeming qualities. not even a so bad it’s good type of thing. don’t be the person that gets this score.
1: still can’t stand, but maybe i can see the appeal or find some good characteristics about it. again, would never listen to ever again.
2: pretty much the same thing as 1 but slightly more positive.
3: don’t care for at all. has some elements that don’t work or sound awful. not necessarily something i would instantly turn off, but i would absolutely avoid like the plague.
4: don’t really care for. this is probably the tier i would put things that i don’t like but i see the appeal pretty clearly.
5: i’m indifferent towards to these kind of songs. don’t really think they’re good or bad. might put songs here that i just can’t figure out why i don’t or do like them.
6: i like these songs. not something i would go out of my way to listen to but i see the appeal and it resonates with me in some way. if i like a song but can’t defend it, it probably goes here.
7: a slightly more positive version of 6. these are songs i find close to great, but doesn’t quite get there for some reason. it’s probably some nitpicky reason, or maybe something’s just missing that keeps it from being great to me. they frustrate me more than anything else because i see clear potential. i could defend these songs with good reason.
8: a song i would revisit, probably multiple times. a song that i consider to have several great qualities about it, but maybe have a few qualities that i take issue with or i just find underwhelming. regardless, i still find a song i rank here to be highly enjoyable. if this song came on on the radio, i would never change the station… unless it becomes overplayed.
9: a song i would revisit obsessively. i would instantly put this in my personal favorites spotify playlist. these are not only songs that i find to have several fantastic characteristics, but resonates with me on some level emotionally and/or musically. i would never get sick of a song that i rank like this.
10: a song i would consider a classic. it transcends most songs and my tastes and goes into the territory of universality. this is a song that if i listen to it, and you like the genre it is in, i have no clue how you could dislike it. no second in this song would be wasted, ideally.
so that’s the scale. in addition, whoever i determine to have the best category fit will get 2 bonus points. i’ll also give an additional 0.5 bonus to any songs that i have not heard before. i will also specify ties, so just because 2 songs rank as 7.5, for example, doesn’t necessarily mean i enjoy them both equally.
i will be banning 2 artists in particular, mostly because imo they just shouldn’t be subbed into walruses. they are:
neutral milk hotel
that’s the extent of me banning artists. everything else is fair game, or i’m just too unfamiliar with their discographies to ban them. or i just don’t care. don’t be the person that submits either of these artists. i will void your score if you submit a track by one of these artists.
oh boy, this gonna be fun. to say the least, simply submitting a certain genre of music to me because i have one specific favorite genre won’t work on on me. i listen to a ton of different music and genres and styles, but i will say unequivocally i listen to more punk and electronic music than anything else. i’m pretty confident submitting music from these genres won’t gain you an advantage though. i enjoy pop, hip-hop, rock, jazz, video game music, metal, experimental music in general, soul and r&b, electronic music obviously, and even some country and reggae works for me! though submitting reggae or country tracks will be the biggest risk. but i’m not inherently biased towards one genre.
so instead of talking about what genres i prefer, i’m going to talk about what i look for and what i enjoy in certain tracks:
- tight drum playing, lots of fills, and great performances in general. if the song can be air drummed to, i’ll probably like it. though this doesn’t just apply to drumming, if a song is well performed, i’ll be able to tell. generally i like my performances on the flashy and wild side.
- good tunes. this probably won’t tell you much, but if a tune isn’t good, i probably won’t be into it. if a song has clunky or bad verses or bad something, i won’t like it. songwriting has to be good.
- catchy hooks. if the hook is catchy and well written, i’m gonna like it more than any other average hook. a bad or forgettable hook can ruin a song for me.
- good recording. if a recording is shoddy, it should be for a discernible reason or it should enhance the song in some way or there’s just some appeal to the recording being the way it is. if a song is poorly recorded or poorly produced, i won’t like it. aim for over-production over under-production, if that makes sense. i also don't like my music super squeaky clean though, depending on the genre. there’s a balance.
- good lyricism isn’t required for me, but it is a plus. the music is always more important than the lyrics for me. however, lyrics can make songs in certain cases, and it can ruin songs in certain cases. if the song is great and the lyrics aren’t, i won’t like it or i’ll ding it. if a song emphasizes the lyrics in some sort of way, the lyrics have to be standout. i don’t want to roll my eyes when focusing in on the lyrics.
- unique quality of the song itself. if a song is generic sounding in some way, it’ll get dinged. this can be overridden if the song is good enough, but when i listen to something, i want to remember it. something reminding me of some other thing i’ve heard and just not being interesting for the genre it is in will make me not be into it and want to listen to the thing it reminds me of.
- vocals are weird for me. generally speaking, the vocals have to catch my ear in some way. if the vocals are weird and out-there, i expect the music to be as well. really more than anything else, just make sure the vocals stand out, i don’t want to listen to a vocalist that doesn’t have any distinguishing qualities or has vocals i just can’t pick out of a line-up or sounds like they don’t want to sing. i’d rather listen to bad singing than forgettable singing. still, the vocals need to be well-performed as a standard. if the vocals sound like garbage or aren’t on pitch or aren’t charismatic, i’ll ding it. not a huge fan of falsetto vocals in general, specifically male falsetto vocals.
that’s about it. music is tricky in general. sometimes things work for me and it’s hard to describe. i can be a bit of a wildcard, but hopefully that is a decent description of things that i like and what i look for in music. i wouldn’t say there’s a single safe pick for me personally though, and i would encourage people to submit whatever you want, disregarding my personal and (at times) nitpicky tastes. it honestly might not even help.
10 categories. lettuce begin. sample songs i would rank 8/10-10/10. well, for most of them anyways.
1) this’ll be a fun one methinks, and kinda clever (though probably done before). submit a song that is the opening song off of an album or ep or soundtrack. in terms of cat fit, i will also grade how they feel as openers to me. the song should make me want to listen to the album it lands on. don’t be the person that submits a song that isn’t an opener. has to be the first song off of an album or ep or soundtrack, again. if you submit something that isn’t an opener, i will legitimately ding points. as an edge case, i won’t ding points for songs that are singles and never landed on an album. it still has to evoke the feeling of an album opener though. i’ll also allow for songs that come after an intro interlude.
2 + 2 = 5 by radiohead
neighborhood #1 (tunnels) by arcade fire
2) EVERYBODY DANCE NOW! submit a dance song, or some dance flavored music. this song should make me wanna get up from out of my seat, probably to some dance floor, and do some amazingly lame dance moves. doesn’t have to be edm, doesn’t have to be disco, can be a waltz for all i care! but it should make sense on the dance floor. at minimum, there should be some infectious grooves.
d.a.n.c.e. by justice
balloons by foals
3) you know, who needs singing? submit an instrumental song. an instrumental song is a song with no vocals, if you don’t know. so how can a song be interesting without vocals? i don’t know, you show me! don’t be the person that submit a song with vocals on it, i will ding points if you submit a song with vocals on it. oh, and i’m restricting vocal samples as well. sorry.
yyz by rush
field of hopes and dreams from the deltarune ost
4) i’m not really having that great of a day today, so why not make it better by… being even MORE depressed? submit a sad song. yeah, generic, i know, but sometimes i like being depressed and wallowing in it damn it! the sadder the song is, the better generally. i want my heart absolutely gutted out of my chest after listening to said song.
very much money (ice king dream) by open mike eagle
maps by the yeah yeah yeahs
5) hey, remind yourself that you're still alive and breathing sometimes. submit a song that makes you happy to be alive. this is pretty vague, but generally what i'm looking for is a song that gives me a sense of hope, or a sense of looking forward to waking up the next day. it should make life seem awe-inspiring, perhaps is a more clear way of putting it. i think we should pick our spirits up after being a little down in the dumps last cat.
salt song by how to dress well
touch by daft punk feat. paul williams
6) gather around all, story time! submit a song that tells a story, or at least is very narrative based. i like myself a good story, and when a song can tell a good story, i can get engrossed pretty hard. this is definitely the cat where lyricism counts the most, but if you can manage a song that can tell a story without lyrics, more power to you.
edward benz, 27 times by la dispute
dogs by pink floyd
7) alright, i’m single, so help me out with my deprivation. submit a love song. it doesn’t necessarily have to be a happy love song, though. it can be a sad love song, it can be an awkward love song, it can even be a love song about two rats falling in love! ...though maybe don’t submit a song like that, lol. it just has to relate to love in some way.
when you were young by the killers
undisclosed desires by muse
8) you know what i love about a lot of punk music? how angry it is. submit a song that has some form of rage. it can be angry at capitalism, it can be angry at some ex, it can be angry about getting wolfread in a mafia game, anything really! it doesn’t necessarily have to be a song that pumps me up, it just has to has some form of rage in it.
anyone/anything by touche amore
the blacker the berry by kendrick lamar
9) ...okay, maybe we should calm down a bit. maybe think a little bit. submit a song that is contemplative. this is a song that doesn’t make me sad, or angry, or happy, just a song that makes me want to think about the complexities of the universe, and why i’m in it. ideally, it shouldn’t elicit that much emotion out of me, while obviously still being compelling.
replica by oneohtrix point never
footlight lane from the super mario 3d world ost
10) oh baby! the finale! ...wait, i feel like i’m missing something… oh right, memes! submit a meme or comedy song. this is a song that should make me snicker, laugh out loud, or at minimum make it me go “oh, come on!” at least once or twice. be creative, i think it will be a nice way to close out the walrus with a couple laughs. however, try to keep slurs out of the songs please.
slider from the super mario 64 ost… wait, is that the flintstones theme song?
creeper, awww man!
25 player cap, 1 alt per person, also let me know your main account if you are submitting on an alt. if we are full, you can still submit as long as there is an alt in the player list. in that case, i'll randomly kick out one of the alts.
deadline: make sure your submission is in by october 2nd by 11:59 pm est. half the reason the deadline is so generous is because the champs finale will probably be going on during this period, and no one is going to be thinking about some random walrus during finale. still, the deadline is in a month and a half, so no excuses. if i have 25 submissions before then (that doesn’t include any alts), i’ll start grading early.
9) @Taichi Kamiya
10) @Sterling Archer
good luck and have fun!