I'm bored, time to rank every Pokémon

[lute]

I'm going to rank every single poke instead of doing my walrus

@Dp101 gave me the idea please forward all complaints to her

we're going in nat dex order unless I decide to throw in a later gen evo into the mix anyway let's start

1. Bulbasaur



simple. charming. winning smile. little cabbage son. mischievous grin. a prankster. smells like a garden.

S-Tier.

[lute]

2. Ivysaur



lame retread of past glory. awkward teen phase. barbaric. this is not what Darwin wanted.

C-Tier.

[lute]

3. Venusaur



big chonk. good chonk. thick fat. large adult son. large cabbage the size of a large cabbage. smells of flowerbeds. will always look after you.

S-Tier.

!!!EXTRA!!!

3½. Mega Venusaur



if Ivysaur were a Venusaur it'd be this.

C-Tier.

!!!EXTRA!!!

3½½. Gigantamax Venusaur



I surprisingly don't hate this. looks ornery. the umbrella does a lot to save this design.

B-Tier.

[lute]

4. Charmander



Charmander's official art is way less cute than its sprite art. it's too thin, too sleek. I like my manders with a little meat on the bone. pretty eyes.

B-Tier.

[lute]

5. Charmeleon



this official art blows. what's that pose supposed to tell me? what does it evoke? nothing but disdain. this is the Ivysaur of Charmeleons.

C-Tier.

[lute]

6. Charizard



he's a dragon. I really like his color scheme. he's a dragon. trogdor. proud and confident. dangerous to take indoors.

A-Tier.

!!!EXTRA!!!

6½. Mega Charizard X



a simple inversion. poppy, but not overly bold. lacks charisma.

B-Tier.

!!!EXTRA!!!

6½½. Mega Charizard Y



gee whiz Charizard how come your mom lets you have two mega evolutions? sleek, elegant, refined. looks like a telefang design. marries the original design with its own unique flavor. the flavor is cinnamon. this is what charizard looks like in the reboot written by a minority 20 years after the original run ended.

A-Tier.

!!!EXTRA!!!

6½½½. Gigantamax Charizard



Charizard meets Chernobog. imposing, mighty. devastating to the environment. incapable of flight. it's a penguin now.

A-Tier.

[lute]

7. Squirtle



he's baby. cute little curly tail. heart filled with love. bath buddy. slow and steady.

S-Tier.

[lute]

8. Wartortle



he is no longer baby. still cute. tries to act tough but really just wants attention and affection. fancy tail evokes waves. hangs out with friends a lot but runs with the right crowd, don't you worry.

S-Tier.

[lute]

9. Blastoise



look at them ears. powerful turtle. mobile tank. great at parties. volunteer firefighter. knows how to whistle but pretends not to.

S-Tier.

!!!EXTRA!!!

9½. Mega Blastoise



hideous. look how they massacred my boy. this was the first mega evolution design I saw. turned me off the whole concept. the shape's all wrong. this is not how we turtle time.

D-Tier.

!!!EXTRA!!!

9½½. Gigantamax Blastoise



the sheer audacity amuses me.

A-Tier.

[lute]

now onto pokes without excessive alternate forms

10. Caterpie



a friend. bug friend. cute little toe-feet-orbs. striking red facial ornament. this is a quality caterpillar.

A-Tier.

[lute]

11. Metapod



Metapod makes me think about life. wake up, go hard. that's the spirit. life throws many things our way, and sometimes we just gotta sit there and take it. just by withstanding the blows we prove our strength; therein lies the difference between endurance and inaction. anyway it's B-Tier.

B-Tier.

[lute]

12. Butterfree



cute and cuddly. it is over a meter tall. horrific. if one of these fluttered into my house I'd break out the broom. I'm MU's resident lepidopteraphobe.

hesitant C-Tier.

I'm not doing its giant form thing I'm already sick of those and honestly a bigger bug sounds like hell

[lute]

13. Weedle



the design was bad until somebody gave it a lil nose. now it's wonderful. it uses its nose to smell lilacs.

A-Tier.

[lute]

14. Kakuna



a Kakuna is just an angry sleeping bag and I can relate to that.

A-Tier.

[lute]

15. Beedrill



it's a bee with drills. powerful. menacing. up to no good but up front about it. I wanted to give it B-tier for the joke but no.

A-Tier.

I have THOUGHTS on Mega-Beedrill but that conspiracy will have to wait

[lute]

16. Pidgey



and so begins my crusade against flying types. lame. it's a bird, and not a fun bird. it's just. bird. LAME.

D-Tier.

honestly it's not as bad as Mega Blastoise but the tiers represent a range

[lute]

17. Pidgeotto



this is just a Pidgey with a dumb haircut.

D-Tier.

[lute]

18. Pidgeot



this is just a Pidgeotto with a better haircut.

D-Tier.

!!!EXTRA!!!

18½. Mega Pidgeot

I'm not going to bother putting the pic of Mega Pidgeot because it's just a Pidgeot with a few extra feathers.

D-Tier.

[lute]

19. Rattata



rats are cute, Rattata is not. no true ratsman. diggin' the purple.

D-Tier.

[lute]

20. Raticate



Rattata was barely D-Tier. Raticate is barely C-Tier. something about the posture. this is a rat that was rejected the role of Remy and started smoking crack.

C-Tier.

[lute]

21. Spearow



this is just a Pidgey with a personality.

C-Tier.

[lute]

22. Fearow



this bird killed a family. it testified in court that it was an act of desperation, it needed the corpses of that nuclear family to feed its sick and dying young. it had no choice, your honor. it had no choice. it had every choice. it killed the family for sport. it doesn't have any young. it's a maniac and its mouth is a knife.

A-Tier.

[lute]

23. Ekans



did you know Ekans backwards is deednidaeddaeddaedsawideelbotnagebkcabymsadnakcaby mniefinknepaekilsawtikcarcahtiwdeneporoodymnehwdna roodymtanoilaekilsawtiraorotnagebyksehtnehwdnaykse htnielgaenaekilsawtiylfotnagebdribtahtnehwdnaliata tuohtiwdribaekilsawtiliasotnagebpihstahtnehwdnatle batuohtiwpihsaekilsawtitlemotnagebwonsehtnehwdnawo nshtiwdellifnedragsihekilsawtiworgotnagebsdeesehtn ehwdnasdeesfollufnedragsihdellifehsdeelnidevilohwn amasawecnoereht? it's a purple snake. snek. snok. snook.

S-Tier.

[lute]

24. Arbok



did you know Arbok backwards is Muk? it's a big snake. got that hood. striking patterns. oh yeah. I'm feeling it now.

A-Tier.

[lute]

25. Pikachu



alright let's get one thing straight: your goddamn beauty standards brought Pikachu down. they were beautiful before and you just had to bodyshame them. screw you. this is not Pikachu. THIS is Pikachu:



we stan.

S-Tier (Old Design).

[lute]

26. Raichu

I'm not gonna



a love song, cuz you asked for it, cuz you need one

they did too much here. the ears ruin the mood. too fancy. Raichu doesn't have to be like that.

B-Tier.

[lute]

27. Sandshrew



simple. bespoke. easy to love. a little too shy for its own good.

A-Tier.

[lute]

28. Sandslash



strong. ready for action. action guy. swift as the wolves of Icewrack. sharp and tangy. sheds tiny grains of sand.

A-Tier.

[lute]

I was going to do 30 and call it a night but then I saw the nido lines are next so I'll save those for next time this was really all a ploy to induce insomnia

[GeneralHankerchief]

Squirtle line all going in S-tier (I don't count the alternative evos): happy drake meme

Pidgey line all going in D-tier: sad drake meme

feel free to respond to this by referencing my terrible judgement in Mass Effect characters/choices, etc

[bbt]

waiting on tenterhooks for Wooloo

[lute]

29. Nidoran♀



bit plain. the two-toe design is interesting. soothing coloration. strong pose. she's hungry for apples.

C-Tier.

[lute]

30. Nidorina



gremlin. casting director for She's The Man. inside your brain there are two goblins. Nidroina is both the goblins.

B-Tier.

[lute]

31. Nidoqueen



"hey Paulie, how do we show this mutant stuffed animal for children is a lady?" "oh give it boob armor" where did its teeth go?

C-Tier.

[lute]

32. Nidoran♂



please, my rabbit, he's very sick. purple is a plus. not striking enough to rise above the rest.

C-Tier.

[lute]

33. Nidorino



chunky. determined gaze. surprisingly evocative.

B-Tier.

[lute]

34. Nidoking



imposing. ready to deliver hugs. hit the gym for no reason other than a desire for self improvement. hail to the king, baby.

B-Tier.

[lute]

35. Clefairy



fairy type WOAT. it's a soft shade of pink that is approachable without compromising. the little blush sells the scene. ditto clefairy is cuter.

C-Tier.

[lute]

36. Clefable



honestly I wasn't expecting to give this D-Tier. but I did.

D-Tier.

[lute]

37. Vulpix



fox. grandma haircut. Animal Midwife. it just doesn't do enough for me. I want to give it B-Tier. I won't.

C-Tier.

[lute]

38. Ninetales



Boruto's dad. majestic. elegant. lack of pupils is a bold direction. how long does it take to brush all that hair? this is on the borderline of tiers.

A-Tier.

[lute]

39. Jigglypuff



doesn't live up to its name. does not jiggle nor puff. it's just a pink orb. fairy WOAT.

D-Tier.

[lute]

40. Wigglytuff



occasionally wiggles, seldom tuffs.

C-Tier.

[lute]

41. Zubat



hungry. lack of eyes are a plus. are those thin things vestigial legs or stabilizers? blu.

C-Tier.

[lute]

42. Golbat



S-Tier.

[lute]

169. Crobat



swift. intimidating. organic X-wing. perpetually perturbed.

A-Tier.

[lute]

43. Oddish



it's a rock with leaves and a face. basically a dream pet.

S-Tier.

[lute]

44. Gloom



a smelly rock stricken with Dumb $%#! Syndrome. as the kids say, "mood." surprisingly helpful around the house. wants to be loved.

A-Tier.

[lute]

45. Vileplume



flower power. smells like thallium sulfate. will kill again.

S-Tier.

[lute]

182. Bellossom



Bellossom, Bubbles, and @Hally. doing a little flower dance. travel agent who doesn't work on commission. knows she's pretty but loves being reminded. tries to maintain a vegetable garden but isn't very good at it.

A-Tier.