I'm bored, time to rank every Pokémon

[lute]

494. Victini



we can all agree these ratings are objective, yeah? well not this one. this one has a story, some 'splaining to do. first off, the joke is stupid. V for gen V, got it. but for whatever reason (editor's note: the reason is OCD) it really bothers me that this mythical chump is 000 in the Unova dex, butting in before the starters and making an $%#! of itself. and my neuroses probably wouldn't activate for this at all if it was a design I really liked but I don't. it has pretty blu eyes and nothing else. an omen of things to come.

D-Tier.

[lute]

495. Snivy



with that business taken care of, let's move into the real gen V. this is a cutie. little limbed snake. the opposite of a legless lizard. bit of a snob. either a brat or a racist. lacks dignity to match its noble bearing.

B-Tier.

[lute]

496. Servine



so this is interesting because I like a lot of these individual elements. little leaf hands, dainty feets, Reptaur leaves. it just doesn't come together into a complete package for me. I think a lot of mid-evolution starters have this problem, where they're trapped in awkward puberty stages and lack both the pizzazz of their final form and the cuddliness of their base.

C-Tier.

[lute]

497. Serperior



definitely not a brat, so that leaves one option. haughty snake. contrarian. tastes like cilantro. crikey.

B-Tier.

[lute]

498. Tepig



I won't bury the lede: this might be my least favorite starter line. I never played gen V on original hardware (come nibble at my cloaca if you're so chuffed about it, Nintendo) and used mysterious and unseemly methods to change my starter from Tepig to Litwick. I don't regret my decision. Tepig itself is a nice cutie, a steamed ham, a cheery chap. it all goes downhill from here.

A-Tier.

[lute]

499. Pignite



this is just depraved. a hog forced into a singlet made of skin. egg shape does no favors. this design feels corporate. a focus group created this monster. do not ride high on the hog.

D-Tier.

[lute]

500. Emboar



so Rhyperior and Magmortar had an illegitimate child that grew up and had a child with a pig. this is that child. I just feel nothing but emptiness. actual, physical emptiness, like a hunger. eating away until there's nothing left of me. nothing left of you. nothing left of us.

D-Tier.

[lute]

501. Oshawott



awkward otter. shyly asking for hug. wants you to see its seashell collection. reminds me a little of someone I love. blu. gently squeeze to receive purring.

S-Tier.

[lute]

502. Dewott



feisty. yellow belt in karate. little gumdrop nose. flossing. blu.

A-Tier

[lute]

503. Samurott



certainly an evolution. mini kaiju. successor to the narwhal. majestic. has one tooth for each head of a crime syndicate it must sever to regain honor. likes most brands of breakfast cereal. cannot tap dance.

B-Tier.

[lute]

that's all for today

[Hally]

you are doing god’s work

[c4e5g3d5]

83. Farfetch'd

ok so hear me out: bird with a leek.

S-Tier.

N0 lute v

[Jaleb]

Time to see pokemon I've never played since I never owned a handheld since gen 4.

[katze]

and I'm not rating all 17 palette swaps so that's gen IV done

i feel robbed

[lute]

504. Patrat



it's the eyes. it's 100% the eyes that aren't doing it for me. truthfully the rest of the design is really boring but it's the eyes. what is it on the lookout for? agony? you've come to the right place.

D-Tier.

[lute]

505. Watchog



it's the eyes again but I want to address the name. the portmanteau just doesn't work. it's like a watch dog but it's a watch hog, but it's not particularly hog-like? it's more along the lines of gophers and prairie dogs, which is probably where the idea sprang from anyway, prairie dog, watch dog, same thing. prairie dog is always watching. but I also just don't like the way they decided to combine incorrect hogliness and watchful gaze. "watchhog" would be what they're going for, but instead it's "watchog" which sounds like "wachog" instead of "watch hog" and

D-Tier.

[lute]

what chog

[lute]

506. Lilipup



potentially controversial but I dislike the face. the fluff and stuff. pressed all flat like that, it just, it's weird. it's got the big puppy eyes so I'm not gonna say D-Tier but I just don't like imagining this. shoo. go fetch the ball and give it to someone else.

C-Tier.

[lute]

507. Herdier



this I'm more okay with. it's just Dog. it's just a schnauzer. not a lot of imagination going on here. consumes a diet of 100% mutton. aged forty dog years in sixteen human minutes.

C-Tier.

[lute]

508. Stoutland



fluffy. enjoys digging in sandboxes and archaeological sites. large enough to ride into battle. consumes a diet of 100% Guinness. found the remains of Jimmy Hoffa.

B-Tier.

[lute]

509. Purrloin



and so begins the saga of pokes I forgot existed. are we sure this isn't just a Glameow somebody painted? nice coat. the eyes say "oh I know about DeviantArt, and I love it." interesting tail shape. cute little feets.

B-Tier.

[lute]

510. Liepard



Persian II: Escape 2 Africa. fun patterns. could see it as wallpaper in a play place where you drop the kids off while you shop. do those still exist? do stores still have those? do we still have stores? do we still have kids? not if I have anything to say about it.

C-Tier.

[lute]

511. Pangage



broccoli monkey. I will once again refrain from burying the lede: To the best of my recollection, no grouping of Pokémon draws my ire more than the elemental monkeys. I do not like these designs. I do not like these pokes mechanically. I feel personally slighted that these slack-jawed simians represent 3.846153846% of the Unova Pokédex.

F-Tier.

[lute]

512. Simisage



don't give me a thumbs up you son of a $%#!. the only person allowed to do that is Apoc, who I also do not like. the monkey hate train has no brakes and will continue barreling along until all its passengers forget the Snowpiercer is a metaphor for capitalist oligarchies.

F-Tier.

[lute]

513. Pansear



hm? what's that? putting your hand up to your ear because you hear something, you little Chimchar design reject? what you're hearing is the sound of F-Tier. it does not indicate payment of respects.

F-Tier.

[lute]

514. Simisear



kinda clever to use "sear" as the fire word since it includes "ear" and this is the hear no evil monkey. anyway F-Tier again.

F-Tier.

[lute]

515. Panpour



I want you to know that when I watched Godzilla vs. Kong I was rooting for Godzilla the entire time.

F-Tier.

[lute]

516. Simipour



the inclusion of a top really draws attention to the fact this monkey is wearing no pants. we call this "The Donald Duck Effect." wave goodbye to the monkey hate train. we had a good run. this was cathartic. I worked some stuff out. damn dirty apes.

F-Tier.

[lute]

517. Muuna



squeeee! cute baby! pink! widdle arms. round. excellent snuggler. smells like lilacs. sucks dreams out of your skull with a straw. floats merrily.

S-Tier.

[lute]

518. Musharna



sleepy tapir. dreams about horses and other imaginary things. snores softly and soothingly. I can feel myself drifting off...

S-Tier.

[lute]

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Tangrowth]

Hey! What's the deal, did I get skipped?!

[Cyndaquil]

465. Tangrowth

https://cdn2.bulbagarden.net/upload/...5Tangrowth.png

this is what I look like when I roll out of bed. every morning Tangrowth is struck dumb by the realization it has arms. likes Cheetos.

SSS-Tier.

@Tangrowth

[Tangrowth]

Omg yay!! Thank you!

I was only looking in order.

The correct tier and everything!!

[Tangrowth]

This thread is back to being the best.

[lute]

for anyone curious why this stopped most of the images got borked again and while about 60% of me is h20 100% of me wants2die

[lute]

270. Lotad



Lotad? more like... the lad! beautiful baby. completely braindead. spends lazy sunday afternoons drifting down the river.

S-Tier.

I've been thinking about Lotad a lot lately. Changing this to SSS-Tier.