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I have no energy. No will to do anything. I want to, but I can’t even focus. I can usually pull myself out of these mindsets pretty easily. I’ve often considered it one of my main skills, but this time there is a pull, an unwillingness to do so. I think it’s the lack of wins. I can find reserve and reserve of energy, of willingness to get back up and keep moving forward but it has been so long between victories there is more comfort in shying away from it now. I am content to lay, to sleep, to do nothing.
It has been a hard year. I lost my brother who I hadn’t seen in many years. The last time we were in the same room together we fought. I had helped him at least one time since then. He had a hard life. I wish I was able to see him one last time but that’s not going to happen. My cat died. I wasn’t here. I was on an island chaperoning my kid on a school camp. She has type 1 diabetes. It’s a challenge. She’s not really a she actually, she’s a they. Identifies as non binary. I think I do too but I don’t really have the confidence to own who I really am. Which has got me thinking that maybe I am not who I think I am, or more to say that maybe I am, but I am someone else too. I think I have DID. I think I always had DID. I think I had no choice really. I had to reinvent myself so many times that I created snapshots in time of “old Joe’s” and people who knew me back then still know me like that. I can put back on those personalities like suits. The problem is that now they are all here in my head trying to help me. They’re all sorry for me and they are talking to me.
Growing up I didn’t get life at all. I tried to fit in but I had no idea what I was doing. My father was no support and my mother wasn’t there. I was pretty much left on my own most of the time to try to figure things out from a very young age. My grandparents were around, but they were old. They gave me love, unconditionally, but not much by way of guidance. There’s no words of wisdom I can think of that come from my childhood. No words to live by. Just the processes I invented. Really just coping mechanisms and survival mechanisms. I had rage issues. I did some seriously cooked things. Most of them nobody ever found out about. Because nobody was really paying attention to me. I was suicidal from a pretty young age, but I never really had the courage to act on it. Because I love life so much. I love the joy it can bring too much to give up on ever finding it, even in the darkest moments.
I was smart as a kid. Grades were good. But motivation fell off a cliff when I got to about year 7. The other kids always teased me, but around that age the teasing became relentless bullying. Planned bullying. I knew what they were doing. They knew I knew. It wasn’t one kid, it wasn’t even a group, it was basically the entire school. All I craved was acceptance, guidance, friendship. Something to say “this is me, this is who I am”, but everyone rejected me. My dad was abusive. Not really physically violent much (towards me anyway) but he screamed and intimidated and threatened me constantly. One day I was faking being sick cuz I didn’t want to go to school to face the bullying and the $%#!wit pointed a speargun at me. A fishing speargun. Threatened me with a speargun haha. So I took the opportunity to bail. I was 14. I went to live with my mother and her partner (and like six kids of varying ages). That was worse. That house was full of alcohol, drugs and violence. Oh well I guess this is me then. I started drinking at that point. Started smoking weed. All that slippery slope nonsense. I could go on about the year I spent there but I won’t. I bailed. I crashed at a friends house. School was an afterthought. At this point I just wanted peace. I just wanted somewhere I could sleep comfortably and play video games. I just didn’t want to do anything. Kinda how I feel now.
Eventually my friends mum organised the youth refuge to take me. So I moved in there. Was like 15 at the time. More exposure to drugs and alcohol. But I was broken now, so I wasn’t really trying to fit in, which ironically helped me fit in. The change in lifestyle had also seen me drop weight. So I didn’t have the being fat thing going on anymore either so the kids at the new school didn’t really pick on me as much. Chance to reinvent myself. No stability, no parents, no control.
Anyway, I got big into partying. Drugs. School who cares. Childhood was pretty much cactus. So much police involvement. So many high stress events. Not knowing where your next meal come from. $%#!ing hell lol.
Anyway it’s nice to write it down. I got more to write but I have to do a thing. Will probs write more here. I guess one thing I’m not afraid of is sharing. So I hope you don’t mind cuz that’s what I’m doing. It helps me.
Originally Posted by staypositivefriend1602730070
(#19)
tfw i cant mindmeld with hally this game
Originally Posted by ran
How To Tell If Your Hally Is An Alien Shapeshifter:
- Apply moderate but steady pressure d1 and observe their reaction.
- If your Hally is genuine, you will notice a distinct morphing of their facial features into an "anime" or "chibi" style resembling the kaomoji (〃＞＿＜;〃), their arms will turn into fingerless drumsticks and begin rapidly vibrating up and down, and they will emit various phrases such as "no bulli!" and "give me space!" and "but why!"
- On the other hand, if your Hally remains in a photorealistic human form and responds calmly with phrases like "That's unfortunate, but I hope we can work together!" and changes the subject, you have an alien shapeshifter on your hands and should quickly excuse yourself and break the glass on the nearest eod flamethrower.
Bellossom, Bubbles, and @Hally. doing a little flower dance. travel agent who doesn't work on commission. knows she's pretty but loves being reminded. tries to maintain a vegetable garden but isn't very good at it.
I'm going to apologize for this one in advance but I hope you'll all humor me for a little while. This is a champs level game after all and I can't help but try and post in a way to properly honor the occasion. Who knows when I'll be back in this situation again.
I don't think it's a secret for most of you that my track record in reading Hally has been rather … well … awful thus far in our games. I did have one specific game where I recognized Hally was a villager and confidently (and happily!) let the world know. They flipped wolf. After our Syndicate game together and then Anni (both of which saw me find Hally's eod wolfy and press there) I wanted to make a concentrated effort to finally read that slot correctly.
I spent some time today combing through recent-ish games this year of Hally's. The wolf game on the Org website, the Vig game over on the Syndicate one, and all sorts of mashes/smaller games through MU as well. Rocks fall, Anni, Homestuck, CoV, etc. You get the picture. All in all there were 16 different games I pulled isos from. I then went and ran through the isos extracting all the day one posts from the first half of the day, labeled them as W or V, and ran them through a bit of a homemade database that would do a few different things for me. One of the things was to make a word cloud which would count the number of times each word was used in these isos and make the word larger the more frequently it was used. For example:
Anyways, I separated the wolf isos from the villa isos and then removed things like articles (a, the, in, an, etc) as well as player names as those aren't really super relevant to our investigation and cross referenced them to see if anything word usage stood out as alignment indicative in the top 10 most common words. While there were small word choices favored it didn't seem super significant. What WAS significant were two other things:
One: While specific word choices weren't very telling I did notice a definitely trend of elegance in the wolf isos. The words may change but the idea remained the same. In wolf ISOs Hally had a habit of using larger, more elegant words whereas in the villa ISOs Hally just talked more casually. I'll call these Posts Exceedingly Elegant as we continue.
Two: Villager isos were much more full of observational posts rather than inquisitive ones. The wolf iso was full of open ended questions requesting elaboration. Not just directly to a specific player but also towards the thread at large asking if it saw what Hally was seeing. Meanwhile the villager iso was full of more pointed statement. It was telling the thread what Hally was seeing and making sure everyone understood. The village iso had a higher frequency – by a significant margin – of Posts Of Observation.
Again, I really want to get this right so I didn't stop there. Science isn't science until you write it down after all. I went ahead and charted the percentage of posts as a villager and as a wolf for both posts containing an elegant word and posts making observations. It's a bit crude but here's the quick jot down I made to visualize it:
So I wanted to see how this one was shaping up. Remember, these were all taken from the first half of day one isos which we've made it past here. I went ahead and ran through Hally's iso from this game, plotted the elegance and observational percentages on the chart, and ran the following equation to try and determine the exact percentage chance Hally has at being a wolf:
(Posts Exceedingly Elegant as a wolf)(Posts Exceedingly Elegant here) + (Posts of Observation as a villager)(Posts of Observation here) = the mathematical chance of Hally being a villager here (do 1-this for wolf obv).
Which looks something like this:
(Posts Exceedingly Elegant as a wolf)(Posts Exceedingly Elegant here) + (Posts of Observation as a villager)(Posts of Observation here)
This is all so blegh. I'm supposed to be all "weh I'm Mac shid and fart" and whatever but I am just like a cookie that's been stomped on and now I'm just crumbs all integrated with the disgusting rug of life.
Love you friend. I think it's a win in itself that you can talk openly and reflect on stuff like this, I admire it and wish stuff was going better for you rn.
I have no energy. No will to do anything. I want to, but I can’t even focus. I can usually pull myself out of these mindsets pretty easily. I’ve often considered it one of my main skills, but this time there is a pull, an unwillingness to do so. I think it’s the lack of wins. I can find reserve and reserve of energy, of willingness to get back up and keep moving forward but it has been so long between victories there is more comfort in shying away from it now. I am content to lay, to sleep, to do nothing.
We just won the EpicMafia themed game -1 though, so that's a win
I have no energy. No will to do anything. I want to, but I can’t even focus. I can usually pull myself out of these mindsets pretty easily. I’ve often considered it one of my main skills, but this time there is a pull, an unwillingness to do so. I think it’s the lack of wins. I can find reserve and reserve of energy, of willingness to get back up and keep moving forward but it has been so long between victories there is more comfort in shying away from it now. I am content to lay, to sleep, to do nothing.
Can relate to this a lot. A feeling like getting your energy drained from within at times.
What helps me the most in getting out of that doom loop is changing the setting (doing something new outside, or going out of the country for a bit). Eating well.
Biggest issue with drugs is having to avoid the social circle accustomed to them, which nowadays isn't that easy considering how widespread their use seems to be to me.
Feels like a lot of people are 'patients' of sorts when I go outside.
Some as a result are also capable of showing more understanding and tolerance than others who didn't have as many troubles who while successful, were victims of their own discipline, in a way, that could limit their scope or make them oblivious to difficult situations of some.
Really appreciate your writing and find you likeable as a person, hope that counts as a win !
The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.
something that's helped me lately, as i've been coming out of a depression, is i will think "what makes me happy?" then i will figure out ways to accomplish that. it's not always easy, because willing yourself to do the things that make you happy can be a challenge in itself, but it can help to take baby steps and make small goals for yourself.
sometimes it can be the environment you live in or the situation you're in that's preventing you from doing things to make yourself happy. remember not to be too hard on yourself. talking about it in itself is a very good thing. i wish you the best.
It takes a lot of courage to be honest and vulnerable about the things in one's past that have been difficult - particularly when it is things of such gravity. The fact that you can open up and be vulnerable despite everything in your past says a lot about you being a strong, good person, who has somehow managed to emerge from circumstances that would destroy or make cold and spiteful a great deal of people.
I am sorry to hear about the things that have happened to you, nobody should have to go through such experiences during their upbringing. The negative feelings you are experiencing is a normal response to a difficult life. I believe sharing and opening up is the best way to deal with hardship, so I encourage you to continue to do so, and to reach out to people around you that you trust. I truly wish all the best for you.
Originally Posted by DoubtingThomas1549986845
(#1916)
u are the imbecile for wanting to lynch me after that d1
just please never call yourself VIGGOAT or whatever that $%#! you say
cuz it's really not true not at all after your recent performances and you must feel it
@Macdougall - I just read this now and had no idea you were struggling like this lately. I have a busy day today but am promising to respond in detail either today or tomorrow. I see a lot of parallels between your childhood and adolescence and mine. Ever since I met you in S6 I've felt a strong bond of friendship between us and some kind of spiritual connection which exists in the planar Forum Mafia dimension. It bothers me a great deal that you're struggling like this. I owe it to you and our friendship to write a letter concerning what you posted, and I also should express that it takes an extraordinary character to write something like this and post it publicly. You are not alone in your emotional pain. I had a suicide attempt roughly three weeks ago myself, and if it means anything - and it should - my takeaway is that suicide is not the path anyone in the world should take. I hope it's not what you're considering, but I have to take the idea seriously when you mention such major depressive features in your post along with suicidality. I have major qualms with psychiatry, and I can't personally advise a course of treatment, but I would recommend speaking with your doctor (I hope you have one) and consider that pharmaceutical drugs may be of benefit if your physician is on side with the notion. Otherwise, keep in mind that people LOVE YOU. You are a remarkable personality in my life; I love essentially everything of yours I've ever read. Your sense of humour is one of the best I've ever known. I completely jive with basically all of your opinions and in terms of the game believe you are one of the greatest Forum Mafia players in history--an early figure in the sport akin to Cyclone Taylor or Howie Morenz. I'll write more than this later as I have said, and I'll just close this by saying sternly that you can always reach out to me if you're in this type of turmoil. I understand as well as anyone how dark life can get and am a non-judgmental person to speak with. All the best,
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Originally Posted by litten
