Hello, I'm Commander Shepard
I normally play a male Shepard, but I decided to go with the classic setup for this run. Female Shepard, mostly a Paragon (i.e. good, nice, classically heroic) though not necessarily always, and the Vanguard class (Jedi flying around with a shotgun, essentially - it's awesome, though mostly in the second and especially third game).
For the crucial decision of what my first name that will never ever be used or referenced by anyone, I go with the obvious choice: Girlboss Shepard. My hair will be a pinkish-purple (or a purplish-pink).
Okay, time to construct a background.
(For the uninitiated, biotics are basically space magic - it's like the Force but purple*.)
Shepard created, now it's time for some opening cinematics.
Thank $%#! I got a window seat.
Now that the faceless old men are finished mysteriously discussing me as a figure of importance, we're blessed with a slick exposition dump.
The civilizations of the galaxy call it... Meat lump.
Pan the camera to a bunch of blue $%#!, also known as a Mass Relay. (It's basically a magic jumpgate portal for spaceships to travel long distances, except it's totally scientific and not magic, how dare you.)
Pictured above: science.
Pan to the cockpit of the SSV Normandy, where we briefly hear from the Turian Spectre, Nihlus, before he yeets out of there. (You might be asking: what the $%#! is a Turian? Or a spectre? Are you using the royal we? Hold that thought. The thoughts about Turian and Spectre, I mean.) We proceed to engage in chummy banter with the pilot, Joker, and Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko, who for some reason is implied to be a co-pilot in this scene, even though this will never happen again or be acknowledged in any capacity. Captain Anderson (one of the ethereal voices from earlier, if you recall) requests Commander Shepard's presence in the comm room, and that's that.
On the way, we overhear Navigator Pressly's skype call with Engineer Adams voicing his distrust of Nihlus and his suspicions there's more to this mission than we've been told.
Look, I'm not being racist, I'm just saying I'm a little unueasy at the presence of the shadowy government agent (Spectre) from a race of fascist bird-people who started a war with humans as our first contact with aliens less than 30 years ago (Turians). But also, I am being a little racist.
After that, we stop by a new recruit and the ship's doctor. Corporal Jenkins is eager for some action, while Doctor Chakwas preaches caution.
This is NOT a Mexican standoff.
Jenkins' abs are so powerful and yoked that his six pack is practically bursting through the fabric of his fatigues. Combined with the cargo pants, I do believe we are in the presence of a bona fide alpha male. Regardless, we tell him to hit the bricks kid. Jenkins nerds out about how cool Spectres are, which Chakwas describes as "a shadow organization with a mandate to preserve and protect galactic stability." I'm sure that never causes more problems than it solves.
We finally make it to the comm room, where Nihlus awaits.
I hope he's not about to ask for my number.
He prattles on about whether humanity is ready to prove its mettle on the galactic stage or whatever until Captain Anderson arrives.
Turns out, we're making a covert pick-up on Eden Prime, one of humanity's fledgling colonies. A research team unearthed a Prothean* beacon, and our job is to pick it up and bring it back to the Citadel** for study and science and stuff. Anderson talks about how great it would be to have a human Spectre, which neatly segues into Nihlus revealing that he's here after he put our name forward as a candidate for the Specters, and he's here to evaluate us.
Above: Nihlus solves racism.
Joker interrupts our meeting of the minds to inform us that $%#!'s gone crazy on Eden Prime. There's a garbled transmission of Alliance soldiers under attack...
This movie sucks. I can't follow the plot at all and the cinematography is amateurish at best.
...and a big strange ship thing that's ominous as $%#!.
Anderson sends a strike team of us/Alenko/Jenkins to secure the beacon; Nihlus will go on his own ahead to scout or something.
NEXT: Eden Prime